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When you finally find someone whose company you enjoy, a furor of questions might float through your head, such as whether this person is attracted to you and if he or she is truly the one.
Alexandra Solomon, PhD, assistant clinical professor in Northwestern University’s Master of Science in Marriage and Therapy, says there’s one trait that matters most if you’re seeking a long-term relationship: relational self-awareness.
“Relational self-awareness is defined as the ability to take a curious stance vis-a-vis yourself.”
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A partner with relational self-awareness is able to “turn their attention inward and name what they are feeling (versus just acting out what they are feeling),” Dr Solomon describes. They’ll listen to feedback without making verbal attacks or running away.
People with this trait also view relationship problems as a blend of “some things I did wrong” and “some things you did wrong.”
Rather that fighting or fleeing, your partner studies the moment.
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Imagine this scenario: you’re at a fancy restaurant with your other half and you’re both feeling famished, but the waiter ends up serving the wrong entrée.
What would your partner do? If they’re avoiding the animalistic knee-jerk behaviors of fight-or-flight responses, such as raising their voices or playing the blame game, they’re likely to have high relational self-awareness.
They don’t slam their exes.
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“Another way you can get an early clue about the relational self-awareness of your date is by paying attention to how they talk about their relationships, especially their past romantic relationship,” Dr Solomon says.
People with low relational self-awareness enjoy making themselves the victims—and everybody else, the bad guys.
In contrast, a good partner tells love stories “that have lots of shades of gray.” They’ll use phrases like, “It wasn’t the right time for us,” instead of, “Dating sucks,” or “She was suffering and therefore not able to connect with me in a healthy way,” rather than, “She was a loser.” Dr Solomon has created a chart to illustrate this point.
“So, as you sift through all of the ‘data’ that daters need to sift through, I invite you to hold onto these two tools. If your date sends back their under-cooked steak with a pause, some compassion, and a respectful request, you may be on the right track.”
Find out more by reading Dr Solomon’s full article.
[via Psychology Today, images via various sources]